Last September, AKA way too long ago to be writing about it now but who cares it’s my life, a lively band of mischief makers took to the sludgy, likely diseased waters of the Chicago River in an attempt to conquer its murky depths.  If your definition of “conquer” is “to paddle out about three blocks and gently drift back,” then we succeeded!


Everyone knows that kayaks are fun because they’re too small for your body, hurt your back, and are prone to tipping. All of these factors played a role in our excursion, and I captured the adventure on my GoPro using my super-cool-and-definitely-not-nerdy head strap.

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Our hourlong trek proved too massively awesome to display at normal speed, so I sped up the video to 1000 times its normal playback rate. To make the dangerous fun of kayaking and the muddy waters of the Chicago River even more cheerful, I slapped some royalty free jazz tunes on top of it. Enjoy:

One notable benefit of the video’s significant speed is that the part of the ride where I splash my lovely girlfriend with roughly a gallon of gross-ass water right in the face is nearly impossible to see. I only write about it here so she doesn’t later say “Why didn’t you mention the part where you splashed me?!” Huzzah, I’ve won the day!